Lessons Learned

We bond by spending time together.  In my experience, it takes roughly 24 hours of time spent together before a new person will feel comfortable or familiar.  That doesn't seem like a lot, but when you do the math it ends up being 4-6 dates, depending on how long each date is.  The myth that we will instinctively know whether or not we like each other after the first or second date is ridiculous!  Real attraction requires understanding each other, and that takes time.

This one is fairly straightforward.  Just hunting for issues doesn't work as a dating strategy.  It assumes that there is someone out there who will answer every question perfectly, pass every test, and always say the right thing at the right moment.  It's simply unrealistic.  If you are looking for a reason to say no, you will find one.  It might be question 13, or 26, or 37, but eventually, you will find one.

So...what's the alternative?  I'm glad you asked!

First, we must accept that most flaws are not as critical as we make them out to be.  Express your concern, and let the other person explain from their perspective and history.  It may turn out that flaw is actually a feature!  Second, we look for reasons to say yes!  A wise man once told me "Dating is not about finding the perfect person.  It's about discovering someone you never could have imagined".  I try to follow that idea. We must be open to new people, including all of their quirks, imperfections, and deviations from our own imaginary "Perfect Partner".  

There will always be some people that are just not compatible.  It's healthy to know what you're looking for and what you will need from your lover.  We just have to be careful about how many things we allow as dealbreakers.  However, the list of true dealbreakers for people is generally small.  Ask those questions, but   We do not need to use intricate tactics to find them!

If you really take a close look at anyone, you will find imperfections.  It could be a slightly too tall forehead, an odd nose angle, an uneven smile, or a million other things.  We all have some imperfections.  Actual, genuine imperfections.  And that's beautiful!  Dating a human means loving their imperfections and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Texting is a poor substitute for in-person conversations.  Tones have to be guessed, responses are delayed, and the bonds created are significantly weaker.  Texting can be used to sustain an existing relationship, but it can easily poison a new one.  Even for existing relationships, it's worth calling instead if possible!

Everyone knows we can't wait to feel motivated before going to the gym.  We have to go consistently, even when we really don't feel like it, to get the results of exercise.  Waiting to feel sparks before making dating a priority has the same problem.  Sparks are fleeting, and can turn out to be incorrect once you get to know the other person.  Relying on them to get us through dating is like relying on motivation to keep up a new exercise schedule.  It'll work for a week or 2 and then slowly fade away.  There are a million things competing for our attention each day.  Getting to know someone new requires consistent effort and a notable chunk of time.  Our dating lives must be a conscious priority or it will slip through the cracks, just like that old gym membership card.  I'm sure it's around here somewhere...